I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
