just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.