found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...