yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
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and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
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Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die