In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
