Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
