dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
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