i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
