Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Randomize
