Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
