On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
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