I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
