as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
