How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
