I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
