I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
