Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
We named our party play list daddy issues
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
