I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
