Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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