I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
