So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Randomize
