How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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