How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
