winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
