This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
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