I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
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