I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
