I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Randomize
