You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
