FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
