Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
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I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
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There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.