he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I just saw the nastiest chick.
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend