But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I just pynch a tree in the face
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
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She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
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he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.