I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
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Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
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I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.