I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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