im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
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I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
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Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
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