yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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