how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
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