P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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