Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
