I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
