You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
