I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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