During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
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