If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
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