oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
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like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
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When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize