You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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