He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
