I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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