I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
