i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
