Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Randomize
