You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
