Banned from zoo.
Again?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
