I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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