i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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