I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
