i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
